Some Pictures & Whatever Comes Out

I don't know about you, but I am glad it's Friday.  This weekend we had nothing specific planned because we are anticipating Brandon having surgery on Tuesday.  So this weekend's goal was go out somewhere to do something fun that he won't be able to do for a several months (maybe go eat out, see a movie, you know), and also get the apartment ready by doing things we need to do now while he can still help me out.

Speaking of his surgery (read first part here) here's the skinny.  After my last post, we got a quote back on the surgery.... over $13,000.  No payment plan allowed.  We had to walk in and hand them the money.  We expected it to be high, but that was a LOT.  Since we don't have 13,000 lying around, we thought we should probably sell one of our cars, maybe see if someone will let us borrow some money etc.  By God's grace and favor, Brandon was able to negotiate the cost down to a little over $9,000, which is still a crazy amount of money but much more manageable than $13,000+.


We figured out what to do and how to come up with the money, scheduled his surgery, talked with my work and sorted out some time off and sighed with relief knowing that the next chapter was set up and ready to happen next week.

Or so we thought....

I can't share all of the details, but basically everything related to the finances, and because of that, the surgery, fell apart on us.  Have you ever been in a situation where you think everything is settled, and then it turns upside down and just becomes a big mess?  That is basically what happened yesterday.  


One of the areas where I struggle is with sudden changes in plans, things thrown into the loop that I did not expect.  I don't like it.  It stresses me out.  You can ask my husband.  So yesterday everything went back to "Square 1" and we are trying to figure out what to do, how to come up with the money we need, and how soon we can get Brandon in to surgery and on the road to recovery.  And of course in the middle of it all we seeking God and kinda saying "OK God.... what's going on here?  We felt like you were doing this thing, and now it feels like you're not.... Can you give me something to go on here?"  It was next to impossible to quiet myself before Him yesterday in the midst of all that.  :/

So now, we are trying to press through with our original plan, and hope we can work out the money.  Another surgery center (which Brandon has not been to yet) is also in the wings as another option, which may end up even being a little cheaper when all if said and done (we won't know till after the surgery so that can't play too big a factor in our decision-making).  The biggest bummer about Option B is that, while they will try to get him in quickly, his surgery will be delayed compared to getting it Tuesday. He will have to start over by making appointments to get checked out, schedule the surgery, do a pre-op, etc.


Which one do we do?  We don't know yet.  We're waiting to hear some more details from Option B, and trying to wait on the Lord.   Everything is up in the air.


I think Up in the Air is one of the hardest places to have hope and fully trust in God.  Because if things have "landed" so to speak, whether terribly or well, at least you know where you're at.  But up in the air is just so..... uncertain.  I know God needs to walk us through Up in the Air moments so we will learn to fully trust in Him and have hope for what He will do.  I'm not tooting my own horn, but trusting in God when things are hard is not where I struggle most.  My struggle is with having hope.  

I am a generally optimistic person, and was even more so when I was younger and had less severe trials.  But lately, when things are up in the air, I find myself grasping to hope like it's the edge of a cliff I'm hanging off of.  And there are those moments where I look down and think 

"Maybe I should just let go".  

But I know God does not want me to give up and let go, even if all I've got left on the cliff is my pinky fingernail.

So that's where I'm at right now... I'm not on the other side of this mess yet.  I'm just hanging on by my fingernails.  

Part of my memory verse this week  - She Reads Truth

The explanation

If you are friends with me on Facebook, you might have seen this last week:

It's "later" now.  Time for the update and I thought it'd be easiest on here.

Back at the beginning of August, my husband hurt his knee during a fun company outing.  If you know him he might tell you it was while skydiving or while saving an old lady from getting hit by a bus... or both.  It doesn't matter much to me how awesome or lame the story, I'm just sad he's hurt of course.

So here's where your prayers come in.

Brandon is not insured...

and by God's grace and several friends and connections we have, we have gotten through the process fairly painlessly.... well, financially speaking.  

On the day he was injured (a Friday) we learned that a local church has a free clinic open that day.  Thank you Lord!  He was able to get checked out and was told to go to the ER.  We debated back and forth because we knew the bill would be high, but his knee looked like someone stuffed a football in it so we decided we should go.  We were left with a pretty hefty bill that we are trying to negotiate down.

Then the Lord blessed us yet again with a WONDERFUL family friend Cheryl who has helped us with a company called Fullerton Orthopaedic so have FREE (yep, FREE) visits over the last 6 weeks.  Her amazing servants heart, God's favor and their generosity has saved us THOUSANDS of dollars and Brandon has been able to be seen by some excellent doctors.

From early on in this process we knew he had a tear because they drew blood from his knee, but the general consensus was that it shouldn't be too bad.  So after several weeks going by with no signs of healing or progress, an MRI was ordered.  We received a discount from the MRI facility on that as well, thank you JESUS!

The MRI gave us the truth about what's happening, which was not at all what we expected.

Brandon's ACL is not just torn, it's basically gone.  There is nothing there that they can fix or reattach.  Also, his meniscus (the "pillow" between your thigh and shin bones) is torn.  They have to do a full reconstructive surgery in which they take out part of his hamstring (oww!) and make a new ACL.  It must graft onto his bone which takes about 9 MONTHS (yes, not weeks. months) to secure so that he can do physical therapy and begin to really get moving again.

As for his meniscus, they can't say for sure until the surgery.  They might be able to use what he has left or they might need to remove it and hive him a fake one.

So now we are in the process of finding out what the surgery will cost, payment options etc.  The first time we discussed it with the center, they gave us a very clear answer of the costs and payment options.  Now they seem to be retracting it, changing their minds, throwing out different numbers, and meeting poor Brandon with much undeserved anger and rude tone, etc.  I feel like the enemy is trying to stir up confusion and discouragement.  Will you come alongside us and PUSH HIM BACK?

It has been tended to be one thing after another for us since before we were even married.  But we're trying to hang in there and trust God knows what he's doing.  The surgery isn't just hard because he will be immobile for a while, but it also may potentially add to our debt and it sets back many other things we were working towards (like Thresher Jr's).  But we still see God's hand moving, the favor he is raining down over us, and we trust Him no matter what.  I know things could be so much worse in the grand scheme of life.  I know there are many people facing harder issues than this.  But I know that God cares about each of the details and issues in our life, no matter how big or small, and I know that as people of God we are encouraged to seek prayer when we need it.

So if we come to your mind at all, here are some things we need prayer for.

- Financial Provision:  For everything from the surgery costs, medication, potential needs like wheelchairs/crutches etc.  My parents have graciously and generously offered to help us out however they can, no strings attached. They are pretty much the bomb.dot.com.  We feel bad as grown adults to have to ask them for help, but we are SO THANKFUL  that we have parents we can ask, knowing we always have their support.  But they have bills too of course.  Please pray for blessings on them, and blessings for us so we can find ways to take care of this.

- Logistical Wisdom:  We live on the second floor of an apartment and nothing downstairs is open in our price range (aka the same or less than what we're paying now).  As the next week or two go by we need to figure out everything including how we even get him upstairs after surgery when he cannot walk.  

- Clarity, Honesty, and Favor: Pray that the medical and surgical staff would give us a firm answer on the charges we are facing, and they they would not change their minds.  Please pray for favor for Brandon with each staff member he comes in contact with.

- Brandon: Ask for God to prepare his heart and mind as he undergoes his first and only major operation, and for a soundness of mind and heart as he must prepare himself to stay on his back for many months (after a while he will be able to crutch around but he won't really be able to go anywhere outside our apartment.)  Imagine what it would be like to be stuck in bed in a small apartment for 6 months, and pray for that feeling  :)  Pray against spiritual attacks for him as he will have a pretty solitary and sedentary lifestyle this next year.  People will have to come to us, we will become regular users of our church's Sunday Sermon Podcast, and he (or we) may miss out on other events that we'd rather be there for.

- Me: Pray for strength and endurance for me as I must continue working my jobs while taking care of Brandon, the house, groceries, the dog etc on my own for a while.  Pray that Jesus' heart of a servant would abound in me and that the enemy would not pry his way in as we walk through this.

- Healing:  If God puts it on your heart, ask for Him to heal Brandon, whether it be by miraculously rebuilding his knee, or by helping the surgery restore him to full capacity.  We'll take either one! 

Thank you everyone for reading this.  I so greatly appreciate it.  We are blessed to have you praying for us and we're thankful that wherever two or three are gathered (whether in person or the blog-o-sphere), he hears us.  :)

Thoughts on Beauty

Happy Day Everyone!

I am trying to mentally and physically prepare myself for the extremely hot days ahead this weekend (100 degrees + does not go well with me), but I have been thinking about beauty lately and wanted to share some thoughts.  This post will be long and have no pictures.... sorry.


I think if we were all to look around, we'd all agree that beauty can be found everywhere.  The delicate curve of a flower petal, the way a blanket feels in your hand, baby toes, jagged snow-covered mountains... beauty is all around us and it comes in all different kinds of forms.  Some beauty is best accepted by being seen, like mountains (I don't think you'd capture the beauty of a mountain by throwing yourself down it).  Some is best felt like a hug or a soft animal.  Some is best sensed like a hot cup of coffee or kind words that warm your heart.  Beauty is everywhere.  It is God's gift to us.  He made all these beautiful things for us to (1) enrich our life, (2) showcase His creativity and power, (3) to point us to Him.


So if we can look all around us and see beauty everywhere, why is it that when we look to ourselves, suddenly no beauty is found?  How come when it comes to us, beauty fits one mold and it's qualifications are:

- Age 16-23

- Pre-baby

- Live on salad

Why is it that when it comes to us, beauty no longer comes in all forms?

For You formed my inward parts;

You wove me in my mother's womb.

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully

and wonderfully made; Wonderful are your works,

and my soul knows it very well.

psalm 139:13-14

Thousands of years ago God did not look at creation and say it was good and then create man thinking "I'm going to make them the laughing stock of creation.  I'm going to give some of them large thighs, and some will have big noses.  They will all look different and goofy and ridiculous in their own way, and I hope they hate it!"


NO!  We were the crown of all God's creation!  We were his Sistine Chapel, his Nutcracker suite, his Mona Lisa, his "Macarena!" (ok I guess I could pick a better song than that.... let's go with his "Hallelujah chorus").  Have you ever noticed that when God created the world is was "good", but when he created us it was "very good"?  In the original language the word very is defined as "especially, wholly, utterly" and the word good is defined as "beautiful, best, precious, most favorable".  I imagine the Trinity there as God the Father is creating, and the three of them talk together:  Jesus says "Father, those clouds are amazing!"  and the Spirit says "What a glorious display of your power!" and the Father, tapping his finger to his cheek in thought says "yes.... but... there's just something missing".  Then they decided to make man in their image and God throws his hands up in the air and exclaims "That's it!  That's it!"  


We are the crescendo of his symphony.


I believe we have bought into a powerful lie straight from hell itself about beauty, and it destroys us from the inside out.  In fact, buying into the lie only serves to make us "less beautiful" in the sense that our minds become shallow, our perspective narrow, and our lives.... joyless.


Beauty not only comes in all types of forms, but it CHANGES.  A rose does not stay perfect forever.  It goes through phases.  It starts as a brown seed which grows up into a bud, and then it blossoms in all it's fullness before turning brown and withering as a new one comes up in it's place.  Even super models will one day get wrinkles and gray hair. There is beauty in the whole journey, not just when it's a blossomed rose.


But we've bought into this lie that we must pick ourselves apart and see our early years as the only time we ever had anything to offer.  And then why do we feel compelled to speak out this mentality to each other?  Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.  You get together with your girlfriends and talk about how cute everyone else is but how fat your thighs are.  We've bought into this lie, and then we "pass it on" it by speaking it out to others.  Men and women alike do this in their own way.

It is also true that the world has perpetuated this lie (but don't you see that's still the enemy of our souls all along?) 

But when will that not be our excuse to continue in it anymore?  If a magazine said pluck out all your eyebrows and wear a paper bag to work, would you do that?  No, we would reject it and say "that doesn't look good to me".  So why do we get depressed when we see a 90 pound model in next to nothing wearing a dress that costs $1,000?  Why don't we say "that doesn't look good to me?"  Historical and cultural views of beauty have changed almost by the decade... so why do we let it have it's way while we follow along?

But let [your beauty] be the hidden person of the heart, with the

imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious

in the sight of God.  For in the way in former times the holy women 

also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves.

1 peter 3:4-5

I know I have never been pregnant.  I know I have never been 50 or 70... or even 30 yet.  I know in the future I will probably look in the mirror, clasp my hands to my face and go "what happened to me?!?!??"

But why does it have to be that way?  Why is that the norm and why do we continue to walk in that way?

Instead why can't we be amazed at the journey God takes us on through our life. Why can't we appreciate and use our bodies to their fullest potential when we're young instead of fretting about how we have to lose 5 pounds.  As we age, why don't we stand amazed at the capacity of a woman's body to grow a human life and morph into this whole other shape, and then recover and be able to do it again?  Why don't we appreciate smile lines and gray hair as just another part of the beautiful journey?  Why do we worry so much about our age when what it really comes down to is your perspective and attitude?

She is clothed in strength and dignity,

and she laughs at the days to come

proverbs 31:25

I am speaking half from experience here and half from observation.  I know even at my age I look back and wonder what the heck I was so worried about and why did I waste so much time worrying when I looked fine?  Because I bought into the lie and instead of improving my life by being obsessed with beauty, I actually missed out.

My desire for myself and others is that we would open our eyes to see the beauty that is in us.  The wonder God has created in us and how it changes in each stage.  That we don't have to eat like a rabbit to be beautiful, and that we can exercise just because it's good for us, and it glorifies God when we take care of His temple.  That we would love ourselves and our bodies whether we have a tummy pouch (I'm raising my hand), big or small thighs, pre-, during- or post-pregnancy belly, small or tall, gray hairs or not, wrinkle lines or not.

Charm is deceitful and beauty is fleeting,

but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.

proverbs 31:30

And from God's Word we know the truth, if we spent even a quarter of the time worrying about our insides as we did our outsides..... 


Wow, what beauty there would REALLY be!

What do you think about beauty?  What aspects of this do you struggle with?  How far along are you on your journey?  Have you ever felt this way in your life?

My husband smokes...

It's been going on for a while now. In fact, he's doing it so often I'm getting VERY concerned. He smells like smoke all the time and spends hours outside smoking. The other night he stayed up all night smoking....  I think he needs help.

Yep, my husband smokes. 

Meat, that is.

My husband has been wanting a smoker for the last few years, so this labor day we took advantage of the sales and purchased this little beauty and about 5 bags of wood chips.

Labor Day turned a little sour when we got home and discovered that the smoker the guys at Home Depot pulled down was the wrong one. So after another trip back to Home Depot, assembling it AND having to pre season the smoker for 1 hour, we were about 3 hours behind schedule. But did that stop my man!? Heck. No.

Ever since we got this thing he's been a smoking machine.  It's nice actually because unlike grilling or other forms of cooking, it requires little attention except you need to learn the skill of getting the smoker to the right temperature for the various types of meat.  But other than that it's kinda like a crock pot.  Here is what we had for lunch the other day - pulled pork sandwiches.... YUM!

I didn't take any pictures of the Labor Day experience but this weekend we decided to smoke tri tip to have for meals for the next couple days, and this is how it went down.

Our ingredients for the rub - onion powder, garlic powder, chipotle powder, cumin, oregano, black pepper, and salt.

The meat - notice there's lots of fat on it - the smoker renders the fat so when you smoke you leave the fat on and put it right side up in the smoker.  It cooks, much of it melts, and the rest of it you can literally pull away from the meat when you're done smoking it with just your fingers.  

Husband mixing the ingredients together for the rub.

Meanwhile, you're soaking the wood chips in water for a couple hours while you prepare the meat and let it sit.

Putting the rub all over the meat and packing it on with my fingers.  Then we wrapped it up in saran wrap and let it sit for a few hours to soak in all the goodness

Abby stood by just in case we needed any help.  :)

Once the meat had time to sit - we got everything ready to go!

Wood chips in the burners - check!

Smoker on and heated up - water in the bowl - racks in - check!

Insert meat - set timer - check!

Fast forward about 2 1/2 hours.....

VOILA!

AWWWW YEAH!

It looked a.maz.ing.

Look at that juicy meat!  And see the little layer of fat on the top?  It came right off and went straight into the trash can!  We do not like fat in our meat so we love that smoking gives us the flavor but we're not chomping down on the fat.  

This weekend actually provided a lot of "firsts" for us.  I believe it was the first time we used both our electric knife and our crock pot.... both of which we got for our wedding (that's what happens when you move like we do).  It was so great to feel like we went to Lucille's without paying for Lucille's!

The finished product - our delicious dinner - coleslaw, mashed potatoes and a 

BBQ tri tip sandwich.   

MM MM MMMM

That night we also watched the The Giant Mechanical Man - it's a cute movie!

So there you have it - my husband smokes.... and I don't mind it one bit!  ;)

In other news, I got the itch and died my hair last night.

BAM!

I went lighter to kind of a sandy/honey colored light brown - I really like it so far!

How was your weekend?  Do any of your husbands/significant others have a smoking or grilling obsession?

It's that time again....

Well, it looks like it's that time again.... time for another post where I overshare, open up a side of me that makes me wonder if anyone will ever read this thing again.... ugh.  But I feel compelled to share for 3 reasons:


1)  To come clean.... as you read this, imagine me wincing and my face turning cherry red.  If I were a dog I'd have my tail between my legs.

2) To process it more - I always think better when I'm writing.  I'm hoping God will show up while I write and help me deal with this issue.

3) Hopefully, someone out there somewhere will benefit from this.  Hopefully there's at least one person that walks away encouraged instead of in disgust.


So here it goes.  Are you ready?  It's ugly.


I judge people in regards to their money (wince).


I can't believe I'm writing this.

I don't mean to judge people, in the sense that I don't walk around trying to do it, but God brought it to my attention the other day when I talked to myself under my breath about something someone told me about their money situation.

He nudged my spirit and whispered "Hey, what are you doing?  You love this person dearly.  Why are YOU so ticked by THEIR journey?"

God's conviction is so necessary but oh so painful.  I immediately felt terrible.  I have so many excuses about why I think this way that I could throw out there.  Sure, my husband and I have experienced quite the world of experiences in the realm of money.  Debt, part of which kinda "fell" on us through life circumstances(lays off, emergencies, etc) and the other part we've chosen to take on due to things like schooling, has been the monkey on our back for the last 5 years.  So yes, God has had to work on me a lot in terms of money.  Not only being careful with it, but at not allowing it to become a worry for me.  He's helped me be OK with just doing the best we can at chipping away at it without it becoming something that keeps me up at night.  There's more I could say to try to justify why I do this, but it's all unacceptable anyway.

I know I'm not even close to being perfect in this area, but now I see even more how much needs to be done in my heart.  I see how annoyed I get when I see people buying fun things, getting to travel and things like that.  And I see now how someone says something about how things are really hard for them or how they were so bummed they had to tap into their savings a little and I mumble "At least you HAVE a savings" (wince)  Yeah, it's bad.

I just had an epiphany: I am lacking compassion and understanding when one of the reasons I'm going through these experiences are in order for me to have compassion and understanding on the hurting.  I always hated when I could tell people were judging me regarding our money, and now I am doing it.

Ugh..... it's so ugly.


In reality, I know that none of us are the same, none of us have the exact same experiences, and we each have different things that we're hoping for, choosing to spend or save on, etc.  So ultimately I have no business and no say in what people do with their money, or what bums them out about having to use up savings, or having none at all, or whatever.


So here I sit, tears in my eyes, asking God to come into this ugly black area of my heart.


Lord, please take care of this junk.  I do not want it in my heart or mind anymore.  Help me to have compassion and understanding towards others because I can empathize with them.  This struggle can be used to YOUR glory, if I let it.  I say yes God.  I let it.  You have blessed me God.  Have Brandon and I gotten to travel?  No.  Do we go through a month with ease/comfort and have money left over to spend however we want?  No. 

But do I go hungry? Never.  Have You ever failed me God?  Never.  Do I really ever go without?  NO.  Are we always OK somehow?  Yes.  Do I have somewhere to live?  Yes.    Do I have your spirit in me?  YES.  Have you equipped me for every good work and do you have a plan for me?  Hallelujah yes!

How easily I slip into this American/Southern California mentality that having a Disneyland pass, drinking lattes everyday, buying things whenever I want and traveling the world is normal and nothing else is worth living.  This is a lie.  Change my mind Lord.  Do your work in me.  Amen.


So?  There it is world.  That card is on the table.  I hope you'll be so kind as to show me some compassion.  I'd love to hear and pray for your struggles and also hear anything you feel God might want to say to me on this matter.

Thanks for reading.... if you made it this far.  :)