Hello Again!
I wrote earlier this week about some major blessings! You can read that post
here. But I also mentioned that there was some difficult stuff going on as well, and that is what this rather serious post will address. Most of it stems from something that has been going on for a while that is just still a challenge to deal with... and that my friend, is
assumptions.
** DISCLAIMER: This post is about to get real honest, real fast. Much of the following has to do how I'm feeling in relationships, but is not intended to point fingers, call people out, or make people feel bad. But I'm just trying to write about my own struggles, not start anything or hurt anyone**
Relationships change over the years, this I know. But up until about 2 years ago I (unknowingly) had this expectation that "yeah, relationships can change, but I've been so blessed! None of my friends are going anywhere and nothing is going to change"
... of course it wasn't until things DID change that I realized I had this expectation and now I'm dealing/healing from some things that have not gone as I thought.
One aspect of these struggles has been based around assumptions. We make assumptions regularly everyday about someone, something or a situation. Some can be good, some are neutral and some can be bad. The Lord has really brought my bad assumptions to light over the last few years, and he's used the context of marriage to do it. I've caused us so much grief in my assumptions.... assuming Brandon would think this or that, assuming he'd act a certain way, assuming he's upset with me when he's not, and the list could go on.
Assumptions are the termites of relationships.
Henry Winkler
The Lord started to show me just how destructive my assumptions were, and that I needed to get rid of them. I needed to clean the house of my mind and start fresh. I still make assumptions -- I'm sure sometimes I'm not even aware of them. But since God opened my eyes to it, I have looked at people differently and I've tried my best to take what I see or hear as the truth without making up my own version (that's really all an assumption is, isn't it? our version of the truth, not THE truth.)
Don't make assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express
what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to
avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement,
you can completely transform your life.
Miguel Angel Ruiz
So now, with a new awareness of assumptions, I have seen into others assumptions about me, and they hurt. Some of the people closest to me have taken on assumptions that have negatively affected our relationship.
I want to say I know I am still capable of having the "log of assumption" in my eye... even as I write this because some people have not told me outright how they feel. They have eluded to it in conversations, sometimes the things they say show they they think a certain way. Or sometimes I can see it in the way they act when I tell them how things are going, or the way they try to fix my life. But they haven't actually said, "Sara, I feel like _____".
Part of me wants to yell "Just come out and say how you're feeling already instead of pretending! Then at least I can show you how wrong you are!" Hmm... That's not anywhere near what a woman of God should say. So, I close my mouth. I wait for them to come to me because that's all I can do until they want to say it. My hope is that people would communicate what they see in my life -- good, bad or anything, even if they aren't right! I wouldn't fault anyone for coming to me with their thoughts or what they see as an issue in my life, even if they misunderstood.
AT LEAST IT SHOWS THEY CARE.
Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses
Proverbs 27: 5-6
Over the last few weeks in particular, I have been trying to redirect my hurt into prayer. The Lord is ultimately the person who can change hearts and minds, including mine. I have been trying to let go of the hurt and bitterness, and ask the Lord to clean me and show me the truth, and also help those who have hurt me to see the truth. I am actively trying to release this area in my own life and also trying to pray with love over my relationships. The thing that hurts the most, and something I'm learning, is that assumptions are kind of like blinders and they narrow our sight. What hurts the most is that people cling to their assumptions and often choose them over remembering who I am and that fact that I have always striven to obey God in all things, seek out His will for my life and go His way and not my own. They seem not to remember this over the assumptions.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble,
whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is
admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things
Philippians 4:8
So for anyone who would like to know, I'd like to set the record straight on some things.
I am hurt when people assume my husband is a low life bum who is just doing his own thing while I struggle solo to earn money for our family. This one really brings out the "Mama Bear" instinct in me, so please excuse me if I get a little riled up.
We are both artists, and both of our fields are not only extremely competitive, but most of your success (aside from God's hand in your life of course) is your experience, who you know, and the time you invest into making it happen. There are plenty of awesome people in our fields, and plenty of people that make you shake your head and go "How'd they get that far?!"
We decided through a LOT of prayer and had to overcome a LOT of fear about our futures, but we knew God was calling us both to shoot for our dreams, and that it was NOT going to be easy. We decided that he would quit his job and go back to school, and now he is freelancing because his school was not what they promised to be. He did not drop out of school because he is lazy. It fact, staying in school would have been the easier thing to do. Especially because if he had stayed in school, people wouldn't assume he's a low life bum. But he was at the top of his class without trying, he wasn't being challenged (in fact he sometimes would end up teaching parts of the classes.... I kid you not), and he was being held back instead of pushed forward. So, again with a TON of prayer, we decided he should move on.
Meanwhile, I am working my day job and pursuing my love for dance by heading up Cornerstone Academy of Performing Arts and by trying to start a Christian dance company in the evenings.
I am the only one who makes money right now.
Is that OK? Yeah.
Am I stressed? Duh, but I believe a change and a break is coming.
Are we struggling financially? You bet. We have law-school sized debt, without the law school.
Do we sometimes get really discouraged and just want to give up? Of course!
But guess what -- it won't last forever. We felt like now was the time he'd have his best chance to do what he could to work on filming, and we'd give it a certain period of time for him to just go for it as much as he could. After that time, he'll look for a "normal" job and maintain film as a side thing. But if you don't take a risk to do what you feel the Lord is calling you to do, you'll NEVER get there. Even though it's really hard, it'd be even harder to look back on my life 50 years from now and think, "I wonder what would have happened if Brandon had actually given film a shot." or "I wonder if I could have had my own dance company".
Knowing we won't have those regrets means a lot to me.
Yes, we seem a little crazy and we made these big decisions at one of the worst, most depressed times in American history. And yes, jobs are only that much harder to get now because of it all. But our God gave us a vision, asked us to trust Him, and he is sovereign over all things, even America. ;) So, we move.
Some people think if Brandon would just go get a job, every problem in our life would be solved. This could not be further from the truth. For example, if you sin and do something the Lord has told you not to do, you feel miserable right? It's the same thing when you walk away from what he's told you to do! Brandon just grabbing any old job because we're afraid or we're tired of not being comfortable, would be SIN. Sure, it would solve many financial problems, help us eat through our debt much faster, give us a savings.... all wonderful things in life. Things we hope to have solved someday. They are not bad things, but they are not EVERYTHING. When we feel like God is telling Brandon to go get a regular job, he will go get a job. He does still get paid from time to time for an editing job or other projects.
And yes, sometimes we might have a freak out session. Some days there are some really bad days where one or both of us cry ourselves to sleep, gets nervous about an unexpected bill, feels alone, or asks "God, are you sure? Like are you really sure?? ok..."
We
feel the emotion of the life we're walking out with Christ. And I think that is OK. Because it's not our focus, and we don't loose faith just because of a circumstance. And honestly, it's made me a much more sensitive spirit. The Lord has removed a lot of hard places in my heart because now I don't "have it all together" anymore. I am undone. I am being
shaken. And he's chipping away all the stone for a flesh heart. I used to be on the other side. The judgmental side. The "man, if I could just tell them what to do..." side, and my heart was slim on compassion. Now, I cry with those who cry, and I understand so much more the strains of life. This is only by God's grace working in me, and I am not perfect. I'm just thankful for the heavenly pick axe.
We do not have blinders on. We see our true state. We are fully aware of the fact that we have allowed ourselves/made choices that have put us in the position we're in. The thing that people seem to forget is that we are a couple who prays about what to do and not do, what to buy and not buy, how to live and how not to live, and we try to obey God as much as we can (even though we fail sometimes).
I am not a damsel in distress, or (almost worse) the "hero" of our story. I am not a woman who is working tirelessly, all the while wishing her husband would "go get a job". I am not miserable in my marriage. And if you think that in regards to me, there's no need to anymore.
“Most of our assumptions have outlived their uselessness.”
Marshall McLuhan
I am a wife to an amazingly talented husband, who had the guts to try to work out God's will for his life by himself. He took the leap despite the fear and has been working hard to do what he feels he is supposed to do. I don't know if you are familiar with the film industry, but it takes more than 1 person to shoot a film....like a LOT more. If you're shooting alone, you're either doing a simple documentary, or your making the equivalent of a home video. It takes people, money and time, all of which can be hard things to come by.
And all we've ever really needed.... is support. People who love and are excited for us. People to be praying for the dance studio and telling their friends. People to help Brandon with his films when they can. People who ask how we're doing and genuinely want to know, and not just so they can talk about how we're messing up our lives when we leave earshot. Right now, we feel (keep in mind this is how we feel, not necessarily the truth) like we receive this true relationship from a very small number of people. I want shout to other
"Don't you know me? Don't you remember all you know about me? I haven't changed.... and I still need you."
This post is 100% honest, and I hope that it helps people understand where we're coming from. I hope everyone can see my heart in this.
"...our minds work to frame every circumstance, temptation, and experience
we have. We see events from our own perspective and context.... Our reaction
depends on how we have framed the event....Often we cause ourselves more
pain by the way we frame events than the events themselves cause. Let's pretend
we've already won the battle over our thought lives. How could you frame that
particular situation differently?"
Beth Moore
