My very first post was more of a vent, much of it which should stay between me, God and my husband... you' wouldn't have wanted to read it anyway. Trust me. However, I know I am not the only person who is feeling or has ever felt that way, so below is some of what I wrote that day.
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"... right now I am starting it [blog] because I am at the end of my rope. I feel pressed in and attacked from many sides. I am TIRED. I am a little lonely. I have having trouble speaking out how I feel because if I do, I think I might be crying for the rest of my life. I am struggling with feelings of extreme guilt.... feeling like I literally have no idea if I have been doing anything right for the last few years. I have tried my hardest to listen to the voice of the Lord, but honestly I'm not hearing much.
I am battling against what my spirit knows as truth - the promises of God, and the bleak reality in my life.
It's the
moving...
the debt (and almost worse, making your way out only to go deeper than we ever were before)...
the looks I get when I tell people how my life is changing (It's the "you're moving... again?" look that when expressed looks a little more like "are you guys total idiots or something?" look)...
watching my husband feel the same way about his personal dreams and desires, and desires for us...
making decisions going "OK God, we didn't hear anything one way or the other, so we're going to go with ___" and then wondering for months about whether we did the right thing...
remembering how a few years ago I felt as though I had unshakable faith, but having a hard time being so optimistic now...
watching my friends lead lives of happiness... I know they have struggles too. I wish I knew more about what they were.... but feeling as though I don't know why we are going through this...
mourning the "honeymoon phase" which I feel like we never really had...
God, why do I feel like you've been so silent? Or maybe I have dug myself so deep in my own ways that I can't hear You anymore? I feel as though You might be watching me with Your head in Your hands, like a parents watches their "oh-so-wise" teenager ruin their life. Or perhaps You're banging Your head against a wall. I have heard your voice before Lord.... so many times. In so many powerful ways! What is happening now??? Did I loose my "hearing aids"? Is it me?
I'm so thankful that I can be honest with You no matter what. May this be the only depressing post I ever make in Jesus' Name.... Amen.
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Even since the day I first wrote this, God in His goodness has been calming me down, lifting my head, and giving me hope, which I will write about ASAP. I'm thankful that even in my distress, not only can the Lord handle my complete honesty, but he cares deeply.
Psalm 126
When the LORD restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dreamed.Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
“The LORD has done great things for them.”
The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.
Restore our fortunes, LORD,
like streams in the Negev.
Those who sow with tears
will reap with songs of joy.
Those who go out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with them.
Isaiah 25:8-9
...The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tearsfrom all faces;
he will remove his people’s disgrace
from all the earth.
The LORD has spoken.
In that day they will say,
“Surely this is our God;
we trusted in him, and he saved us.
This is the LORD, we trusted in him;
let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation.”
“Surely this is our God;
we trusted in him, and he saved us.
This is the LORD, we trusted in him;
let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation.”
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